ok I'm back..I hate pointless meetings..
So Sunday I get done going through the stuff I brought back from the old house. I found stuff I have been looking for like for years. I found all of my report cards. It was funny to see how my grades went down and my absenses spiked once i was forced from VA to NC and when my best friend died. I had 20 abscences in one class my senior year. But I did graduate. I want to find my middle school yearbooks and my freshman yearbook but I don't know where they are. I was reading the comments and laughed at some of them. Most of them were insane..I had like one or two girlfriends in NC and now I have no idea where they are...funny isn't it?
So I eat some leftover taco stuff and then S goes off the handle becuase apparently I was too nice on the phone with sperm boy. I didn't think I was being nice but S is strange. So we are fighting and finally I just break down and tell him I can't take this anymore and I can't deal with the stress and we need to end it...and I tell him once I get the settlement money next week I will move out and he then proceeds to say I have to pay april's rent and I say fine. So I go up in the baby's room and stay in there and go through more of the stuff I brought home. S comes up and knocks on the door, around 9:00 p.m. and he sits down next to me and tells me the following:
1. I don't want you to move. I want you to stay.
2. I am horrible at expressing my feelings unless I am angry and I am sorry.
3. We need to stop fighting and I need to understand where you are coming from when you get mad when I'm out and you are at home.
4. I love you and I think we need to talk more and try to stop fighting.
5. I am sorry for not understanding your view point on things because we have different lives.
6. I don't want to loose you or the baby and I don't want to give her false hope but I do see you as my wife and mother of my kids, but not right this minute. I'm not ready.
7. I'm not ready because I don't know what's going to happen with my back and work and the whole settlement thing with work. (I get this.)
He then proceeds to say he doesn't want to ask me to marry him and then not be able to support his family like a real man should.
I am sitting there with tears running down my face becuase this is the first time he has actually expressed himself about us and what he sees. I tell him that we do need to stop fighting and I want us to be together and I want a stable family..but I want all of it before I turn 30. It's hard to have kids past that point. He agrees and we hug and make up. We then watch TV together and we go to bed and he just holds me and rubs my hair and back until we fall asleep. No sex, just laying there. And that is the best make up we have ever had. Because it was real.
So I feel better today about the whole situation since it wasn't me who was doing all the talking and he actually does see us getting married and having kids. I am not looking at dresses or houses yet, but it is a change for now and something to look forward to. The baby needs a father figure and he is a good role model for her. He has faults, as everyone does, but when he is home he plays with her and lets her climb all over him and doesn't treat her like he can't be bothered, like her father. On saturday when he came home she told him "You haven't spent alot of time with me lately because you have been busy". She's too smart for her own good...and he tells her "I'm sorry and I promise I will be around more often to play with you." And last night she called and I missed the call because S and I were talking and my phone was on the charger downstairs and she left me a message and when I was listening to it on speaker she tells me to tell her daddy she loves him and then she whispers into the phone (so I guess her Nana doesn't hear her) "not my real daddy, my S daddy". I looked at him and he had this huge smile on his face and he was like awwwww....
So I'm not promising anything but I feel this is a nice step. Now if I could get all the other shit happenening in my life done with and cleared up, I will be happy. I'm going at lunch to get an estimate on Jamaica's damage...
Happy Monday! Hope all is well.