Nothng happened of any interest last night except the realization that S isn't the man of my dreams. There have been certain reasons I have begun to think this and will disect it since I started this diary to express things in my life for myself to look at and think about. So you are more than welcome to read on or just click the x and close it out, I won't be offended.

Reasons I feel S isn't the one anymore for me:
Friday: He comes home from work, eats like a piece of pizza and showers and goes out to his friends house. The baby wants to play with him but when does he get home? not till about 11pm and he's a little drunk and being obnoxious. I go to bed.

Saturday: The baby and I had been dealing with the Gigi and the hospital and finally we were home and S leaves to go play poker. He states he will be back early, like in about 2 hours. I didn't see him again till about 2am, with no call. The baby had been waiting all night for him to come home and I had made spaghetti and made the meat sauce he likes. The baby and I eat spaghetti plain with butter. So I just put the meat sauce in a tupperware container and figure he'll eat when he decides to come home.

Sunday: the baby was over tired by dinner time and when she is over tired, she gets hysterical and overly sensetive. Everyone that has a kid knows this. So they are playing PSP2 and the baby is getting tired and not playing anymore and keeps refusing to press the x to move on (they are playing monopoly). So S keeps telling her to hit x and she just is being cranky. So I tell them it's time to turn it off. I'm in the kitchen making dinner. So he turns it off and puts his controller on the floor by the PSP2. The baby asks him to take her controller (she's on the couch) and put it on the table, that is like an adults arm length away. he refuses, which causes her to start balling. I'm in the kitchen cooking chicken and I can't walk away from it and the other stuff on the stove. So they are arguing back and forth and she starts getting hysterical, the crying with the hiccups, not being able to talk. So S comes into the kitchen and he's all pissed and is like she needs to stop crying, it's annoying and all this shit. I'm yelling into the living room for her to tell me what's wrong. She can't even speak she's crying so bad. I can see them both the whole time so I know he didn't hurt her or anything. S is in the kitchen telling me to get her to shut up, so I lay the spatula down and go pick up my hysterical little angel and I am holding her and so I wheel the chair into the kitchen and have her sit on it near the fridge so grease won't get her and I calm her down. So dinner is made and the baby and I sit at the kitchen table while S sits in the living room. He then finishes, puts his dish in the sink and goes upstairs and then leaves for the store. No thanks for dinner honey, no where he is going.
So he comes back from the store with groceries, puts them on the kitchen floor (which is usual) and grabs a beer. The baby at this point is lying on the couch in the living room watching the choc. factory movie. S walks in there and is like "I'm so glad I have a big screen I never can watch" and goes upstairs. So at this point I've had it. I'm in the kitchen cleaning up from dinner and putting the groceries away so I yell up the stairs for him to come down here and once I'm finished we will go upstairs. He just starts yelling about shit like he is forced to stay in our room while the baby is here and she is forever getting her way. So I pick her up and we go upstairs and we play and I clean up upstairs. She and I stay upstairs and instead of her normal going downstairs to hug S good night she just yells down the stairs at him and he says good night to her.

Monday: Monday morning I couldn't get the baby out of bed and S was helpful and didn't raise his voice or anything and just tickled her. Things were better. Monday night I get home from the dentist and figure I'd make dinner becuase it's out first night in a few days of adult time. So he gets home around 5pm and states that Los is coming over to play Madden and I ask when and he says soon. So I had left over spaghetti meat sauce I had made on Saturday for him and so I make noodles for him and warm the meat up and put it on the counter and proceed to go upstairs and put sweat pants on. I had a tank top on and shorts. So I dress and come down and Los is there. So I try to do homework, which doesn't work because they are being loud and talking about the Brown and getting top driver pay in December and what they have to do to earn it by then. Top pay for the boys in Brown is VERY nice. He will be making about 1000$ weekly or more. I hate him for this. Then I state some stat that I found while trying to research for my project and it states that about 80% of women make about only 25K a year. S proceeds to say if he only made 25K a year, he'd kill himself. Wow! So should I go and kill myself since I make about that a year? He makes way more than me now so when he says things like this, it hurts. So I'm hurt and I just shrug it off.
So finally Los leaves and I can actually think and try to do some of my HW. So guess what ass monkey asks me to do? you got it, give him head. I say hell no and go to bed. I'm not going to pleasure him after the way he has treated me and the baby.

Tuesday: I order chinese because I have alot of homework to do and can't make dinner and complete my HW as well. I'm not the richest person in the world, so you would think that when your gf or bf pays for dinner, a thank you is earned. NOPE. So I'm trying to concentrate on HW and the desk and comp with the internet connection is downstairs becuase there is no other room. S is watching the combine shit all loud and I ask him to turn it down and he says it's not loud, so I plus my Ipod in and listen to that and drown him out. By 11:30pm my ass has become numb, I have started and re-started my paper 800 times and am tired. S went upstairs to bed so I put the dishes in the dishwasher and run it and sit down to watch my rerums of MP that I have DVRed. I hear S yell to turn it down. If I had it any lower I wouldn't be able to hear it with the dishwasher, so I tell him to close the door and he's yelling all this BS about how he needs to sleep and I need to go to sleep and blah blah blah. So I turn it off completely and play on the internet, which gets boring. So finally the dishwasher ends and I watch a little of Donnie Brasco. JD is so hot!
I finally go upstairs about 2am and fins S sprawled over the bed, with all the pillows (4) and the blankets. I try to find space and am not successful. I finally push him over and get him away and grab 2 pillows and my blanket.
This morning he's all cuddling on me before he gets up. Then he leaves like nothing has happened with his normal goodbye. I had asked him last night to tell me he loved me and he says "I loathe you". he does this all the time when I say I love you or do you love me. I can count on one hand how many times in the past 2 years he has said I love you.

So I'm tired of trying and giving so much and getting NADA in return. The baby and I have date night tonight and then she's spending over. At least one person in the house loves me unconditionally. She always tells me, "Mommy I love you so much". She is so sweet and just thinking about her is making me tear up, so I'm getting off here and going to do some work for my male boss.

Happy Hump Day and Ash Wednesday to all the religious peeps out there!